The taste of sadness

My name is Josh I'm 18 years old and I am here to tell you about my downhill spiral of how i lost everyone and everything by the age of 14.

During school i was never considered popular, I kept quiet and kept to myself. I did good in school, got good grades and made my parents proud.

Then i met Jen, she was the most beautiful girl i've ever seen. Except the whole drug use thing. I was always against drugs because of my mother. I grew up with watching my mom throw her life away to drugs, years after years. When i was seven, I moved with my father and his new girlfriend.

She was okay.

Back to Jen...

She was the most beatiful girl i had even seen, she was perfect, and the best part is that she actually gave a shit about me. That's a big change for me, because everyone says they care but in reality they don't give a fuck. You're the only one there for yourself when you want to drag a razor across your wrist at 3 am when you have school at 6. But see that's where she is different; she was there to kiss my scars, and rub her finger across them ever so gently. It made her cry every time I self harmed but I hated myself. Nobody seemed to understand that the thing I wanted most, was to die.

I didn't want to cause anyone harm but that's all I seemed to do.

The drugs helped once I finally gave in. My friends always did drugs but I was never into it, and then one night when I was home, I dragged the razor across my wrist and didn't stop, normally one or two is enoough, but not anymore. When it came time for school my friends and I went to the park and smoked a joint.

And that's how it all began.

One joint became one shot of speed

one shot of speed became two

two shots of speed became a beer

a beer became a whole bottle

and a whole bottle left me numb.

I loved the sensation of being numb.

I started seeing my mother on weekends, soon enough I started smoking weed with her, but that's all we did. You see my mother is into cocaine, not my thing though. My brother and sister also use with my mother and with me.

None of my family members knew about the self harm, nor did I want them to. They wouldn't understand. Jen does though, but every good thing comes to an end.

She didn't want to be with me anymore, she was tired of the depressed, self loathing Josh who just self harmed and popped pills.

My friends didn't talk to me anymore, my dad found my stash of pills and I was completely and utterly alone.

Why should I stay alive if I have no one, if no one cares if I'm gone?

I cried for days once Jen left, I couldn't eat, sleep or get out of bed. I truly didn't give a shit anymore. I was done.

The next day when I came home from school, I downed a whole bottle of tylenol and laid in bed and waited to die.

I fucking woke up, why the fuck did I wake up, this isn't what I wanted, I wanted to die.

I told my drug councillor at school that day, she called my father's girlfriend and told her.

My dad's girlfriend and my dad brought me to the hospital and that's when they dscovered that I self harmed. The hospital didn't keep me. I went home the same day. My dad kept me home from school for about a week.

During the week that I was home, it gave me time to think which just made everything worse. After the hospital visit, they placed me in suicide prevention. That made it even worse, trying to make a plan of action to help me give a shit about myself. Can't people jsut leave me alone and let me wallow in self pity?

What I wanted happened. My parents stopped asking if I was okay, they stopped checking my arms and thighs. My mother stopped calling me, my siblings ignored me, Jen was still not around and I was a mess.All of the loss i have endured happened in a matter of 4 years, but truth is I was lost from the start. There was no saving me, there was no me getting better, there was no friends or people who actually gave a shit. I was the only one. Sometimes I understood that people wanted to help me, really and truly, like Jen did. But then I remember that she left. After all the promises and saying she will always be here for me, that all came to an end. I didn't want the help. I heard what was being said but I didn't want to hear it.

I'm sitting here wondering if it ever gets better. Will I ever be truly happy, will people actually start to give a fuck?

I'll let you know the answer once I figure it out.

#youngwriter #shortstory #sadness #drugs #selfharm